My name is Laura, I have started this blog to gain the attention of men and women who are also victim/survivors of domestic violence and to let you know there is a wonderful and joyous life for you without abuse. I have the secret, the one thing that will set you free, and raise you above to a life you truly can have. Don’t wait! Get started now, talk about it. You are loved!! I love you, I am here for you!! Me Too No More
I am going to give a lot of tips about this in the next upcoming weeks. They are necessary to have planned prior to an incident happening, and to be able to get out safely. You need to have a “safe” or “trusted” person to whom to confide in to share your plan with. You cannot control when an abusers next violent act will be. So being prepared, and confiding to your “safe” or “trusted” person is very important. Always know that you do not deserve to be treated in a harmful manner ever! I will start with the tips in and around your home.
- Use your best judgement and instincts to protect yourself to make sure you are no longer in danger. Have alternate ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
- Remember-Leaving your abuser is a very dangerous situation!
- If you must, first get a Personal Protective Order or PPO, if you have already left the home, or if your abuser has left the home.
- Inform your neighbors, family and friends co-workers, employer that you have a Personal Protective order in place. If they should see anyone, especially your abuser, around your home, at school, at work, or personal property to call the police right away and record the event.
- Make a record of all calls to the police: their responses, the name of who you talked to, dates, and times of the calls.
- Change the locks on doors, windows, get a security system, and notify neighbors that the abuser is no longer living at your home, and/or is not to be in the area.
- Call the police and report all incidents if your abuser breaks any laws on the Personal Protective Order. Keep copies of your PPO with you at all times. Make extra copies and keep in a place you can show it to law officials at any time. Even when you are out in public.
- If the abuser needs to get his personal property from the home. Pre-pack their items and call the police to get a “civil assist”, let them know of the PPO, and they will accompany them while they get their items from your home.
- Make a decision where you would or could go when you leave your home which is a safe place where you can call for further assistance.
- Notify a neighbor prior to an emergency about the abuse. Have a signal and/or a code word that you both know that will inform them you need help. They can call law officials and know that the abuse is happening and get help right away.
- Know your home exits and the best way to get out in an emergency. Getting out of the home by knowing which doors, windows, stairwells you can exit and get a neighbors attention to call for help or assistance.
- If a situation arises with the abuser, go to the area that provides an exit. Do not go to bathrooms, kitchens, or anywhere your abuser may have any type of weapon to use.
- Inform your children of a plan for them in case they are not with you.
- Inform their schools, daycare, or caregiver who has permission to pick up or be with your child.
- If and when you ever call the police, give your location, speak clearly, and notify them of any weapons the abuser may have, and leave to another location until your home is secure.
I was blessed to have a young neighbor hear me when I fled my home, and he called the police immediately, and I was able to get the assistance I needed to get my abuser out of the home. Locks were changed, everyone was notified, and to this day I am notified if anyone is around my home or personal property. That is how a safety plan is put in place. If they do not know, they won’t be able to help you. For more information, go to Me Too No More.
Why would I ever need a safety exit plan? That is exactly what I asked myself, until I really knew why. I had no way of getting my abuser out of my home. I certainly did not have the funds to get an attorney, start divorce proceedings, or tell him to leave that would have only made my situation worse. So, I had to wait until the next abusive situation to get help. It was almost too late. I had lost my life that night for what seemed an eternity. Attacked in my sleep, I lay there lifeless and unable to move. Until, the last neuron of energy ran through my mind that had told me to run. I ran so fast that I cleared the door, ran into the street, and fell due to the lack of oxygen to my brain that had depleted me from the sprint. I had a blessed neighbor see me in the street and notified the police. I got him out that night. That was the only plan I had. Get him out and away from me. Sometimes, that is the only way to get your abuser away from you and your children and home. How could I have prepared myself better? I needed a personalized safety exit plan. I had no knowledge one existed until a year later! Education is the preparation tool we have now to keep everyone informed. If you are being abused. Go to #METOONOMORE and visit the Resources section of the website to download a personalized safety plan for yourself if you are the one that needs to get out of a dangerous situation before its too late. I was a lucky one that survived, and now I am here to tell you that it is a necessary read for you to implement and plan for the next time, or commit now and do not have a next time.
Last week my main topic was how most victims may feel about their abuser, and why they stay. Deep down they know how they feel about the situation, and just need the right person to show them their value to escape their current state of mind. They need help because in reality, they know that what is happening to them is NOT right. Domestic Violence is a CRIME! It is an act of power and control by the abuser, and should not be tolerated by anyone male or female. It should not be silenced! After being in the abusive relationships of my past, I compiled a ton of observations about my abusers. And I defended them! What was wrong with me? I thought this was “normal” behavior of all men because of the choices of the type of men I would choose to date, spend my time with, or marry. I was not raised in an abusive home. My parents were exemplary models of love and respect! And now, I am dealing with my own array of emotions and feelings that require counseling and medications on a daily basis to survive. It makes me angry and fuels my mind with the utmost disrespect for them years later, and I realized they definitely did not deserve my love, attention, energy, respect and the time I poured into the relationship then, and definitely not now. And I can only pray that they had learned something in their minds to not treat the next person in their life the same way they did me, because it will only represent the circle of domestic violence. Not only that, but the children that see this violence, will be imprinted that it is okay to treat another person in that manner. Which it is not! So with that said, let me list the most common feelings that most abuse victims experience:
- Feel hopeless.
- Feel helpless.
- Feel depressed.
- Feel isolated, No family, no friends, even isolated from their children.
- Distance themselves from family, friends, and their children.
- Withdrawn emotionally.
- Act impulsive or aggressive.
- Mood swings, they can’t make decisions.
- Unbalanced emotionally and physically.
- Outbursts of anger and frustration.
- Feel suicidal and undeserving to live.
- Abuse the use of alcohol and/or drugs.
- Feel anxiety.
- Feel shame.
- Feel turmoil.
- Lack of self-esteem, self-love and self-confidence.
- Feel trapped.
- Feel confused.
- Feels at fault.
These feelings and emotions are not a joke. It is a daily struggle to those in abusive relationships, and years after if they have left the abuser. If you, or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation, trying to leave an abuser, or just left an abusive relationship. If they are feeling any of these emotions, or thoughts of suicide. Please get them the help they need as soon as possible. Their lives are in constant danger on a daily basis, and each day these feelings become stronger. Domestic violence victims and the children in a domestic violence home, also have these feelings and emotions and both feel suicide is the only way out. Help them. It is a true cry for help. If you can not find them the help they need now, someday will be too late.
I have written to you about all the warning signs, red flags, and the need of the abuser to have power and control. What most do not know is-Why do victims stay? I will address the common feelings, fears, and beliefs of victims that may still be in the relationship and why they stay. Why do they stay? That has always been a question of confliction, confusion and concern. Victims that are asked about their abusive relationships by those that know about it. They must know that what is happening to them is wrong, and not to be tolerated in any relationship. If you know someone that has answered that question to you, and gave you their answer with their head low and their eyes downcast with sadness, they need help and are unable to do it themselves. Help them find the help they need. Your love and support is necessary for their survival. Step up. Be the loved one they can turn to.
These are some of the common reasons why they stay:
- Believe the abuser will change or stop the abuse someday.
- Want the abuse to stop, but stay in the relationship, or feel guilt if they leave.
- Still love and care for their abuser.
- They minimize, deny, or make excuses for the abuse and the abuser.
- Have cultural, religious, or other beliefs that reinforce them to stay.
- Fear cultural, societal, or community that would hinder their support or escape.
- Have children with the abuser, and the fear of their safety, or losing them to the abuser.
- Feel like there is nowhere to go, or no ability to escape or leave.
- Fear they are unable to support themselves, and/or children on their own. Feel financially dependent on the abuser. Economic abuse.
- Have distrust or have had unsupportive experiences with: family, friends, employers, courts, child protective services, and law officials. They fear and believe they will not be helped or supported if they ask for help or leave.
- Fear of judgement. They feel conflicted about staying or leaving.
- They are unaware of the services that are available to help them. This is what education and awareness is about early in their lives prior to being in a relationship. It would let them know there is help in the case of any situation.
- Have animals or pets they do not want to leave behind and fear for their safety and care. There are places available for them to go now.
If you are the victim and any of these are affecting you or reasons you stay now, please reach out. Let me or someone help you find the help you need. We support you. Going from a victim, to a survivor, to advocate, and now the founder of Me Too No More: I am here for you. There are so many services available to you. Even if you need help in the smallest thing, let someone know. Receive the help and have the hope, faith, and courage to save your life from abuse. #METOONOMORE-COMMON REASONS VICTIMS STAY
I am going off the educational road just a bit today to share a project that I will pray and pray about until I get an answer on it. But I will not deter from my mission from Me Too No More regardless of the outcome. I need your prayers. Not just today, but everyday!! Knowing you are there, and supporting me and my cause, makes me able to share, heal, increases my growth, and gives me more motivation to do what I have been given by God to give. To save lives with my knowledge and experience. I am submitting my public speech presentation tomorrow. It was supposed to be weeks ago, but they extended the deadline thank God, because I was not 100% done. But now, I am ready. I am hopeful I will be chosen as a speaker or a workshop. Doesn’t matter. I’m doing it. Prayers please. Much love. #METOONOMORE
I have mentioned the common traits and warning signs of abusers. Now its time to make your best discernment, judgment call, or recognize the type of person your attracted to before dating them. Be aware of them, watch them, see their reactions around others. It will help you make better choices of the type of person, or people you make company with. They have judged and watched you. So, why not do the same?
The following questions I list below may serve as clues before an abusive situation manifests, or becomes a full on abusive relationship at the start.
If you answer “yes” to the following questions, you may be with an abusive partner.
- Did they grow up in a violent family, or have an abusive past?
- Do they have a bad temper?
- Do they use drugs or alcohol?
- Do they use force or threats to solve issues?
- Do they over react to little things?
- Do they destroy personal property, throw items, or punch walls?
- Do they have “traditional roles” mindset in the relationship?
- Do they get jealous of your other relationships with family, friends, or others?
- Do they isolate you? Cause you to lose contact with your family, friends, or others?
- Do they keep tabs on you, and your whereabouts at all times of the day?
- Do they want you with them at all times?
- Do they have access to weapons of any kind? Guns, knives, or other lethal weapons?
- Do they threaten to use their weapons against you or others?
- Do they get rough with you, or force you to do things against your will?
- Do you fear them?
- Do you “walk on eggshells” or have to “tip-toe” around them so they do not become angry on a regular basis?
- Do they seem to be two different people? Nice one moment, and cruel the next?
- Do they threaten or abuse you, your children, family, friends, or pets?
If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions. You have an abusive partner. Please be aware of the above questions, and ask these of the people you have, or may consider having a relationship with. Knowledge of these signs are crucial to your life.
Verbal abuse and threats are signs of the start of an abusive relationship, and often escalate to physical abuse. So, having these questions answered prior to a relationship, can save you from an abusive relationship. Get to know your partner, watch them and their reactions to situations, and the way they treat the people around you in your life. Protect yourself. Know all the signs, warnings, red flags, and answers to these questions before getting into a relationship of any kind. It can save your life. #METOONOMORE
As I have pointed out to you a few common traits that abusers have in common. I will now list the common “warning signs”. These are a rather sure line of issues or feelings the abuser may have towards the victim, in a circumstance or situation. Power and control red flags that may make the victim uncomfortable, or unable to leave because of these signs from the abuser. Take note:
- Verbal Abuse-the usual start to abusive behaviors
- Beliefs or prior imprinted behavior about the roles in relationships of men and women.
- Control of what the victim wears and how they act
- Putting down the victim privately in a verbal manner, or in the company of others. Usually by embarrassment or humiliation.
- Sabotaging the victims preferred use of birth control, or agreed to methods prior to sexual activity.
- Forcing sex onto the victim, even after the victim expresses his/her unwillingness.
- Accusing the victim of flirting, having an affair, or excessive social media contact with others of the opposite sex, family or friends.
- Controlling the victims relationships by isolating the victim to his/her continued company or known whereabouts.
- Blaming the victim for all that is bad in the abusers life. Anything and everything.
- Control of all finances.
- Abuse or threats of family members, children, friends, or pets.
- Harasses or sabotages the victims ability to work, at work , to go to school or at school.
- Extreme controlling behavior of the victim
- Extreme jealousy
- A horrible temper
- Cruel punishments or threats to “teach a lesson” to the victim.
Take notice of these behaviors. Abusers want you to be timid to these because they are seeking power and control. These educational tips can save your life. #METOONOMORE
Visit our website Me Too No More-Warning Signs and Behaviors of Abusers.